Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
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If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.