Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
You Might Also Like
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
March 16
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.