I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
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When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
And now we wait
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there