One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.