Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!