The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
You Might Also Like
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
why isn’t he texting back
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder