(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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They grow up so quick
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
That’s classic.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what