cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
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I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Ghost costume 😂
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.