Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
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this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Not today, today.
Not today.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.