Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
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Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
How is it still this week?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.