A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks