Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
But I really needed water water water
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Guantanamo Bae
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.