I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
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Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.