What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.