The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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This a good idea
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
only 11 steps left
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.