“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Oh, I bet you would be
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Best spoiler warning ever