“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs