“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
You Might Also Like
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Life cycle of cat
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Its a hippotatomus
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.