Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.