run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
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sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
my first dose meeting my second
6. me as a lawyer
I never needed anything more in my life
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro