“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]