me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
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my dad has had enough
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah