TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
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Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Autocorrect is my menesis
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars