“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago