*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.