If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?