You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
You Might Also Like
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Best spot.. 😅
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”