Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
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Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.