I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
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[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
This is a bad sign
I need a headline like this
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)