{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Finally!
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Can’t, holding a grudge
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real