The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.