Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
You Might Also Like
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.