Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.