Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
How to make infinite energy.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
i meant to share this earlier
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.