People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
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[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
channeling her this year
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I cannot call her anything else now
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep