My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
But that’s none of my business
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
was Jim off killing horses or…
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?