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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons