#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.