My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.