Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.