My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
You Might Also Like
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
This is always good for a laugh.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.