Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.