And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
🍛
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.