When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
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Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay