If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
You Might Also Like
Maths meets science
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.