Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe