You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I love art.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake