Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg