[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Time heals everything 🙂
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
This checks out
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.