Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are